


What Would I Do Without You?

by NeoVenus22



Category: Degrassi, Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-17
Updated: 2011-09-17
Packaged: 2017-10-23 20:06:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/254373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoVenus22/pseuds/NeoVenus22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fiona and Holly J come up with a plan to get Anya and Dr. Chris together, but the plan takes an unexpected turn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Would I Do Without You?

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: Takes place prior to 11x04, 'What's My Age Again?'

"Need I remind you," said Holly J, "that the last time we tried to do this, it kind of ended in disaster."

"Party pooper," said Anya.

"Come on, Holly J, where's your spirit of adventure?" said Fiona cheerfully, pulling a silver dress out of her closet. She handed it to Anya. "Here, try this one."

Anya's eyes widened. "I'm pretty sure this dress is worth more than all the money I've ever made babysitting."

"I'm pretty sure that dress is worth more than all of the girls at Degrassi have ever made babysitting," said Holly J. She was sitting on the poof in Fiona's walk-in closet, a notebook spread in her lap, because she was just so... Holly J.

"Just so long as you don't wear it to actually baby-sit, you're fine," Fiona said. Anya looked worried, but Fiona didn't mind loaning a dress to the cause of True Love, especially since she had never really had friends to loan dresses to before. "You'll look great in it," Fiona assured her new friend, and ushered her off to the folding screen to change.

Fiona perched next to Holly J while they waited. Holly J obligingly closed her notebook, but not before setting her place with her finger. "I'd just like to point out this is not the best idea," she said.

"Sure, because you haven't said that enough times yet," said Fiona.

"Anya's mom specifically and explicitly said no dating Dr. Chris."

"They are not _dating_ ," Fiona said. "They are... simultaneously attending the same event." The event in question was one that Mrs. Coyne had thrown together, in celebration of the new teen mental health services at the local hospital. It had just been happy coincidence it was the same hospital where Dr. Chris worked in oncology. Fiona had already invited Holly J and Anya to come with her, but as they were sitting around one afternoon, Anya recognized Dr. Chris's name on the guest list. Fiona recognized fate when she saw it. "And if they happen to run into each other..." She shrugged, wearing an angelic expression.

"And if we happen to just wander away from the crowd for an extended period of time..." said Anya, stepping out from behind the screen, though her expression was less angelic.

"Oh, Anya, you look beautiful," Holly J said, sincerely, and it caused the tiniest twinge of jealousy to flutter in Fiona's gut, even though Holly J had called Fiona and her outfits beautiful any number of times.

"That dress looks better on you than it ever did on me," Fiona said, which was the actual truth. "I might have to let you keep it."

"Fiona, I can't thank you enough for all of this," Anya said. "All this work you did..."

Fiona waved off the compliment. "My mom's the well-organized socialite, not me," she said. "I just... pulled what strings I had."

"Well, thank you."

"Anything for love," Fiona said. "I love a good tortured romance. As long as it's not my own, of course." She had to concentrate very hard on not looking in Holly J's direction. Not that it mattered; they all knew Fiona was still harboring an unrequited... fondness for Holly J. (She refused to call it love. Not again. She was totally over Holly J.)

"Fiona missed her calling as a fairy godmother," Holly J said, smiling beautifully. (Totally, totally over her.)

"It's true, I do have a certain gift. And the perfect shoes." She poked Holly J in the shoulder. "Are you going to get dressed or what? We don't want to be late."

"Yes, wouldn't want to be late for the plan that won't work."

"What about it won't work?" said Fiona, raising an eyebrow at Holly J's cynicism. As far as Fiona was concerned, the plan was genius in its simplicity. They would go in, do the appropriate schmoozing, and since the only one there who knew them was her own mother, she and Holly J would run interference if Anya happened to disappear down a quiet corner with Dr. Chris for an extended period of time. Easy-peasy. "You're not the only schemer around here, Holly J."

Holly J smirked. "Clearly not."

* * *

They were dressed and at the hospital in under two hours, miraculously enough. Fiona had stood at her mother's elbow, the dutiful daughter as always, who happened to double as the poster child for all the benefits this new program could offer. Of course, Fiona had requested that her mother not publicly announce Fiona as a recovering alcoholic and lesbian former suicide risk. Fiona wasn't hiding, it was too hard to, but that didn't mean she wanted the entire medical community of Toronto knowing her entire life story.

Due to her unfortunate history, Fiona was allowed to leave just before all the toasting began. She clutched Holly J's arm in one hand, Anya's in the other, and leaned in conspiratorially close. "I saw him," she said. Standing up front, with all eyes on her, gave her both an excellent vantage point for and an excuse to search the crowd for the elusive Dr. Chris. "In the back there, over by the water cooler. He's talking to someone my mother knows, a Dr. Allen or somebody."

"Let's go," Anya said, and even though Fiona was the one holding on to Anya, she felt as though she were the one being dragged across the room. The girls wove through the hordes of rich doctor-types in search of their quarry. Fiona was feeling so focused, so buoyed by the thrill of the chase and the so-far successful execution of her plan, that she only barely noticed all the glasses of champagne they were passing. Peripherally, really.

She'd been considering how to casually break into a conversation between a man she'd technically never met and one whom she couldn't quite remember, when the latter of the two did the leg work for her. "Fiona! You looked so lovely up on the stage, there. You're becoming quite the spitting image of Laura."

Fiona paused maybe a second too long, and the man shook his head with a slight smile. "I'm so sorry. You might not remember who I am. I'm Dr. Fallon. I met with your mother on a few occasions for a fundraiser."

"Of course I remember you," Fiona said smoothly. "Dr. Fallon, this is my friend Holly J Sinclair. She's been interning with Counselor Greyson." She figured this would buy them a few minutes. She closed the gap between them, helpfully blocking Anya and leaving her path free.

"Counselor Greyson, hmm? You must be a very ambitious young lady."

"The most ambitious, sir," said Holly J, her face tensed like she was trying to keep from laughing. Fiona had to bite her own lip at the ridiculousness of it.

"She's going to Yale in the fall," Fiona said, a little too loudly.

"Yale? Well, now. I'm a Harvard man, myself. I don't suppose you're committed to Yale?"

"It's been my dream school for as long as I can remember," Holly J said. Then she glanced at the wall clock before. "Fiona, it's half-past. Don't we have that thing we have to do for your mother?"

Anya must have escaped. "Oh, is it that time already? You'll have to excuse us, Dr. Fallon, this isn't entirely a social excursion for us."

"I understand," said Dr. Fallon, though he looked slightly baffled by the entire exchange. As the girls backed away, Fiona glimpsed him looking back for Dr. Chris, only to find he, too, had disappeared.

"I've got to admit, Fi, I didn't think this was going to work," said Holly J, as they cut away to the buffet table. "But it's going great so far."

"I learned from the best," Fiona said. "Of course, the downside is now we're stuck here in case we need to run interference. These things are so dull."

"You've certainly been to enough of them."

"Well, I was drinking heavily. Or I had Declan to distract me. Or both." She cast Holly J a sideways smile, trying to force away the twinge of negativity, the sadness bubbling in her gut. "You'll have to do."

"I'm told I'm excellent company," Holly J said, nudging Fiona's bare shoulder with her own.

"I wouldn't have logged this many hours with you if you weren't," said Fiona. "Hey, I spy some free chairs in that corner over there. We can keep an eye on the door. You want to grab some food, and I'll go save them?"

"How very high school," said Holly J. "I'll be there in a sec."

Once in the chair, though, in full view of the room but managing to be slightly isolated, Fiona allowed herself a moment to breathe and was surprised to find a tightness gripping her chest. This was her first major event since graduating rehab and she'd forgotten how booze-soaked they could sometimes be. In slow-motion, everything in the room blurred, leaving nothing but tinkling glasses visible, bubbles dancing, beads of condensation catching the light. Her mouth dried and she felt lightheaded.

"Fiona?"

Holly J's voice cut through the silence and Fiona turned her head upwards gratefully, like a flower seeking sunlight. Holly J was wearing her most worried face. "Are you okay?" she pressed. "You looked... kind of out of it, there."

"I..." she began, but couldn't finish.

Holly J sat down, glancing around the room. "There's a lot of champagne here," she observed. Fiona sighed in relief that she didn't have to explain it. Holly J passed her a small plate of appetizers and bite-sized desserts. Fiona arranged the plate on her lap and after studying its contents a moment, delicately plucked a mini shrimp.

"Do you need to practice your coping techniques?" Holly J asked, keeping her voice low. "Do you need me to leave you alone for a minute?"

"No!" Fiona spoke too quickly and squeezed her best friend's hand. "Please stay."

"Of course," said Holly J, squeezing back. "Always."

Fiona took a deep breath and a bite of rich brownie. "I wonder how things are going with Anya," she mused.

"Anya's got a little streak of evil genius in her," said Holly J, "so I bet she's doing pretty well."

"Jealous?"

"That everyone's vying for my crown? A little."

"Don't worry. No one could ever compare to you." They'd dropped hands at that point, which was just as well, because Fiona realized too late how her statement sounded. It was true, though, in every way.

"Why are you so intent on playing Cupid, anyway?" Holly J asked, generously letting Fiona's statement slide. "I didn't realize you and Anya were that good of friends."

"I like Anya!" said Fiona, almost offended. Maybe the old Fiona would have been too snobby to find Anya interesting, but she wasn't that girl anymore. "I like Anya," she repeated, "and I like a nice love story. And if I get to be the fairy godmother in that story and use my powers for good, then all the better. Besides, Anya's had such a lousy year, she deserves something good coming her way."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You've had kind of a lousy year, too," Holly J said gently. "Do you want your good thing?"

"I don't think I deserve good things just yet. I was too selfish. I hurt too many people. I think I need to atone a little bit more."

"Fiona..." said Holly J softly, sadly, and then suddenly her arms were tight around Fiona's torso. She had to hold herself still to keep her plate from falling; the tiny corner of her mind that wasn't so overwhelmed with the embrace was wishing that events like this had simple paper plates, because clattering china would attract too much attention. She wanted this moment all to herself.

"You're a good person, Fi. You deserve good things." Holly J kissed her cheek, and Fiona thought she might cry. "I mean it, Fi. I'm always here for you."

Fiona leaned in without thinking about it. The exact right twist of her head, and her lips were on Holly J's. It was soft, and sweet, and lasted longer than the kiss in the courthouse, but not by much. Holly J didn't jerk away or push Fiona back, but she did stiffen in her seat. The both of them jumped when there was a clatter. Fiona's plate had slid from her lap to the floor, the carefully selected and arranged goodies lying in a useless heap. Holly J's plate had stayed in her lap.

People were staring. The flushed crawled over Fiona's forehead, cheeks, down her neck. "I have to get out of here," she said, the whisper barely making it out of her throat, which felt thick.

"Fiona, it's okay."

"They're staring."

"They're not... okay, they're staring a little bit." How could Holly J sound so calm, so gentle? "Come on."

Fiona, for what it was worth, was not particularly ashamed of being attracted to girls. Once she'd realized that was what was going on with her, realized what she'd been hiding all this time from herself, what she'd been avoiding, everything became... not easier, but more clear. She wasn't ashamed of kissing a girl where others could see. She'd done far worse. But she was ashamed of kissing a straight girl she'd claimed to be totally over, in the middle of a function supporting teen mental health, the subject for which she was the anti-poster child. A suited man, a doctor, was approaching them, likely to ask them if everything was okay. Fiona was briefly frozen. "I have to get out of here," she repeated.

"Then let's get out of here," Holly J said calmly. She was crouched, picking up the plate, which miraculously hadn't broken, and swiping at a few smears of chocolate with her napkin.

"Everything all right, girls?" the nameless doctor said. He must not have seen Fiona standing with her mother earlier, maybe thought they were too young to be here, because his deep voice was distinctly disapproving. Or maybe he had seen Fiona earlier and just disapproved of her in general.

"Everything's fine, I'm just a little clumsy," said Holly J. She flashed a charmingly self-deprecating smile. "You just can't take me anywhere. Come on, Fi."

Fiona obligingly got to her feet and the two of them hurried away, before the deep-voiced doctor could realize Holly J was holding both the plates.

"Thanks for covering," Fiona said. Holly J dropped the plates on the buffet table and then pushed them through a door. It was a stairwell, lit with dim fluorescents and a large picture window looking out over the parking lot. Fiona was grateful for the lack of people.

"You think Anya and Dr. Chris are making out here?" she asked.

Holly J shrugged. "If not this stairwell, then another one."

"Romantic."

"It could be. With the right person, even the least glamorous places can seem romantic."

Fiona didn't dare chance a glance at Holly J after that comment, but suddenly she noticed the stars sparkling outside the window, the way the door softened the noise from the party to a soft hum.

"Fiona," Holly J said, then her lips were on Fiona's. She didn't have anything to drop this time, and her hands fluttered nervously, eagerly, touching Holly J's hair, her shoulder, the back of her head. She didn't know how long it lasted, didn't know how long it was going to last, didn't want to waste a single second.

Eventually, though, they had to breathe. Fiona let her heady satisfaction linger a moment longer while she waited for her breathing and heart rate to return to normal, then she looked at Holly J. "That was unexpected."

"You started it," Holly J said. "Technically."

"I'm not sure why I have to point this out, or why I'm mentioning it at all, but... you're not gay."

"No."

"So..."

"Can we just opt for 'confused'?" Holly J suggested. "Can't we just say that it's been a long year, and it's still not over, and you're my best friend, and we're graduating soon, and I'm going to miss you?" It was the least Holly J-ish speech Fiona had ever heard Holly J make. It was a little endearing, and Fiona wanted to buy into it hook, line, and sinker, but she'd had too many heartbreaks recently.

"I know I'm in no position to throw stones, all things considered," she replied carefully, "but Holly J, I don't want to be some straight girl's lesbian fling 'for the experience.'"

Holly J winced. "Yeah, I know that's how it sounds."

"My feelings for you were --are-- real." Fiona was a little proud she could have a backbone without booze. She liked it, though she thought she could've saved it for another time, when she wasn't deterring Holly J for making out with her.

"I know. I know! I'm not trying to lead you on or anything, Fiona, I swear."

Fiona knew that. She decided she should just shut off her brain and go with it. Chances were good Holly J would change her mind --in a month, in a week, most likely in the morning-- and would ask they pretend it never happened. If the end was such an inevitability, and Fiona really believed it was, then she couldn't waste her precious time not doing the thing she most wanted to do.

"I know you're not," she said kindly. "It's okay."

"You're not mad?"

"I got to make out with you," Fiona said with a shrug and a smile. "So I can't be that mad."

Holly J swatted Fiona's arm. "Flatterer."

Before Fiona could answer, the door swung open, drowning them both in fluorescent light. Fiona blinked, and as her eyes adjusted, she saw Anya beaming through the gap of the open door, like a giddy Jack Nicholson. "There you guys are," she said. "Fiona, your mom's looking for you. I had to make up a thing about going to the wrong bathroom and getting lost.

"So you came up for air?" Holly J asked with a conspiratorial grin.

Anya shrugged, matching her smile for canary-eating smile. "Dr. Chris had to leave early. I think I ... frustrated him."

They laughed, but Fiona sympathized with Dr. Chris.

"After all of that, you're still going to call him Dr. Chris?" said Holly J.

"I like the way it sounds." Anya smiled. "You're just jealous you don't have a doctor boyfriend."

"Of course," said Holly J indulgently.

"You said my mom was looking for us?" said Fiona, eager to turn the conversation away from love lives, of any stripe.

"Oh, yeah," said Anya, holding the door open for them. "C'mon." As they wove their way through the mingling doctors and rich people, Anya made a sour face. "I don't know how you go to these things, Fiona, they're so boring."

"You were here, what?" said Holly J. "A grand total of two minutes?"

"Two too many."

"Fiona, there you are." Her mother hurried over to them. "I was talking to Dr. Avery earlier, he said you girls all but ran away from him. Did something happen?"

"I didn't realize how much champagne was going to be here," Fiona said uncomfortably. "Holly J took me outside for a few minutes, that's all. I didn't mean for it to be so dramatic, but I guess I'm just... dramatic."

"Oh, honey, that's my fault. Given the nature of the event, I should've made sure it was temptation-free."

Temptation was a funny choice of words, Fiona thought, studiously avoiding looking at Holly J. She pasted a tired smile on her face. "It's okay, Mom. Don't worry about it. But do you mind if we just catch a cab and go home? You don't really need us, do you?"

"No, I don't suppose I do. But I'm so glad you girls showed up."

"Thanks for the invite, Mrs. Coyne," Anya said. "It was... interesting." She tugged at Holly J's arm with a glowing smile, heading for the door.

"Any time," Fiona's mom said, looking slightly baffled by their collective haste to get out. "Keep an eye on my girl, will you?"

"Always do," Holly J said, taking Fiona's hand and ushering her towards the exit. Fiona followed willingly. She’d been faking physical tiredness, but found she was genuinely emotionally battered.

In the cab, she lay her head on Holly J's shoulder and closed her eyes. She‘d play it up if it meant stealing this last moment. "Aren't we cozy," Anya remarked, but it was idle and not at all judgmental. More likely, she was too busy enjoying the visions of Dr. Chris dancing in her head. Fiona couldn't blame her. There were a few moments from tonight she didn't want to ever forget, either.

They finally pulled up in front of Fiona's condo. Anya announced she had to pee, so Fiona passed her keys over, taking the opportunity to hang back in the hall with Holly J an extra minute.

"You want to just pretend it didn't happen?" she asked quietly.

"You want to pretend it didn't happen?" Holly J said, looking a little hurt, to her credit.

"I think that in the future, that's what you're going to want," she said. She'd thought it over in the car, and she'd made up her mind. "It's easier to just get it out of the way now, then risk anyone's feelings being hurt in the future."

"I don't want to hurt your feelings, Fi."

"They won't be," Fiona swore. "Not if we agree to this now."

Holly J stared at her shoes pensively. "And what if I change my mind later?"

Fiona was pretty positive she wouldn't. "Well, if that happens, we'll revisit the issue then," she said. "But not before. I think we're both too, um, close to the situation to really think about it objectively." She wondered if she'd been spending too much time around her mother, talking like a businesswoman. Still, language aside, she knew what she was doing was for the best.

The door to Fiona's condo swung open and Anya's head poked out. Fiona had a flash of déjà vu, not to mention a flash to _The Shining_. "Everything all right out here?" she asked.

"Completely fine," Fiona said. She threaded her arm through Holly J's. "C'mon, we probably only have a few hours of unsupervised fun left. Shall we make the most of them?"

Fiona knew that she'd blown it. Whatever minimal chance she'd had with Holly J was gone now, never to be seen again. She hated herself a little bit for it, but she knew it was the right decision, no matter how much it hurt. Deep down, she knew that she only had a few months left with Holly J. It was never going to be what she wanted it to be. Never. Not really. So she'd have to take these remaining months, and make the most of them, as well.


End file.
